


what could have been.

by speedkitten



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: M/M, Mentions of religion, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Possibly Unrequited Love, mentions of Ayrton's death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:20:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21749668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speedkitten/pseuds/speedkitten
Summary: what if things had turned out differently?
Relationships: Gerhard Berger/Ayrton Senna
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Robert

**Author's Note:**

> hello again! i haven't been very active recently, as i've been busy with school and other life stuff. i have been writing things every so often, but this is the first proper work i'm probably going to try to update regularly. 
> 
> with this fic, i suppose i am sort of somewhat exploring "what if's" in each driver's career and/or offering a retrospective on their career. this sort of came to me as i was listening to anssi kela's song "1972" (which is pretty great imho, go listen to it). 
> 
> also this is my first fic that has multiple chapters that are at least sort of related in subject matter :3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> proofread by my bf josh!

Things were supposed to be different.

You were supposed to drive for Ferrari, give everyone a run for their money.

You were supposed to become Poland’s first Formula One champion.

But that didn’t happen. 

-

You got the call. “Sorry, but we are going to rescind our contract for 2012.”  
You assured everyone that you would be well enough to drive, but after dozens of surgeries, you still struggled. 

This wasn’t how this was supposed to go, not at all.

But you kept driving. Even though it wasn’t Formula One, you kept driving, even winning a rally championship. The same discipline that nearly took your life.

You kept driving, striving once more to reach the pinnacle of motorsport.

-

Finally, you got that call. “We’d like you to test for us.”

The tests with Renault didn’t materialize into much of anything, but, God, it felt great to be back in an F1 car. You weren’t the quickest, sure, but you were quick enough to return to the paddock. At that time, that’s all that mattered to you.

When you were offered the reserve driver role for Williams, you took it up in an instant. Even as a test driver for a team that ran dogshit last, it was better than nothing.

That development driver role turned into a proper seat.

After so long, you had finally properly made it back into Formula One. Proving your doubters wrong once more.

Of course, the season had its ups and downs—well, mostly downs. Sometimes, it almost seemed that the entire team was a joke, even going as far as retiring your car to preserve its parts. Unable to even score more than one point, and even then that was handed to you.

You didn’t regret it.

-

You decided to part ways with Williams. In a way, it was bittersweet. You had hoped to run better than you had, not just score one point—one goddamn point for the entire team. When you decided to leave, you knew that it with it, would be a chance at going at it another year. 

But you were okay with that.  
You had proven yourself; you were able to take on the challenge of just simply returning to F1, and, in its own way, was enough.

You weren’t completely satisfied, but that’s something you had to come to terms with.

You once again had to come to terms with just a development role, maybe even a good drive in DTM. You weren’t in a bad spot by any means. 

You had constantly thought about every single “what if?”, and sometimes, it hurt, but you can’t go back and change things now.

You often internally denied the statements implying you could have been a world champion, but you can’t help but think they could have been right.

In the end, you can’t think about what could have been, but think about what could be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo, sort of trying out this new writing style/pov, don't tend to do it much.  
> also deep down i love robert kubica bc i always love an underdog.
> 
> ANYWAY comments/suggestions are always appreciated!!


	2. Gerhard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> proofread by my bf josh!
> 
> also this chapter is probably more sad and definitely More Gay™.

He was supposed to be here with you.

He wasn’t supposed to leave us all so soon, and yet, it happened.

Both you and Ayrton knew how deadly Tamburello could be; you had even skirted death at that corner yourself. Yet, the both of you simply accepted the danger once you saw the river behind that wall. 

It had started to sink in as you were standing in front of his lifeless body. You said your goodbyes to Ayrton, went to his funeral, and then you felt numb.

It didn’t feel right without him.

He never knew the way you felt about him. He never knew you loved him. One of your biggest regrets was never telling him, even though you knew the outcome. You knew Ayrton would say it was a sin, that it would send you to Hell, for the two of you to be together, but you didn’t care. You just wanted him to know. 

If you were going to go to Hell for that, then so be it.

\- 

He was a lot like his uncle, you thought. Young, tenacious, quick. Every time you looked into Bruno’s eyes, you saw Ayrton’s.

You took great pleasure in advising Bruno throughout his career, yearning to help carry on Ayrton’s legacy. You couldn’t help but start to fall for him, seeing so much of Ayrton in him, but you refrained from doing anything unbecoming. 

“Are you okay, Gerhard?”

“Yes, I’m fine, sorry.” 

This exchange had definitely happened more than a few times; you would often become lost in thought while talking to Bruno, thinking about what could have been.

-

Admittedly, you knew that things may not have ended up being much different if you had told him. Realistically, he probably would have rejected you, citing the church’s stance on homosexuality. However, you couldn’t help but think about a possible reality where you two were in love and lived happily ever after. Maybe Bruno would be calling you “Uncle Gerhard” rather than just “Gerhard”.

While you were a believer, sometimes you wondered, if God does not wish for a man to love another man, then why did He make you this way? If God just hadn’t have made you this way, then maybe it would have hurt less. You could have just been normal.

You wouldn’t be made to feel like some sort of sinner, and that you had to carry your secret with you to your grave.

You almost couldn’t wait until your time would come, so you could maybe see Ayrton again. But, for now, you had to simply reminisce.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i realize now that my chapters could definitely be longer but i am just Bad at writing long things (for some reason), so i guess my remedy for that is just multiple chapters i guess.
> 
> maybe one day i'll actually post/finish some of my longer works on here bc i have definitely wrote longer.


End file.
